I want to quit. Every now & then I come up against a wall & think I could walk away, I could quit, it would be so much easier to sit back & blend in. I could quit so easily.
Symptoms include watching a lot of reality tv (which is absorbing, I realize because it takes me away from the pains of quitting or staying). I call it laziness which is really just selling myself short, it’s more like the proverbial deer in he headlights.
Symptoms include not lifestreaming, intentionally blocking my flow, intentionally limiting myself.
Symptoms include not writing or creating or writing but not publishing– the general form stuckness takes.
It’s easier than we think to come undone– but I’m more often more surprised by how easy it is to restart & get regenerate.
Once you start you can’t ever go back. For a while the sedatives work. You tell yourself you can just quit, you can live a socially prescribed life & feel normal & repress all that passion & desire you really are, & you tell yourself it was just a sacrifice & it will all be ok.
We think it will be easier. How could it not be, its been done to death already.
But there’s that nagging feeling, those moments of self hatred that come with self denial. When the self is denied, disease firms, anxiety, sickness. It’s a lot easier to just get over it & unstick ourselves than it is to spend the duration of our lives abandoned & regretful.
It’s a really fucking simple decision actually. But here we are, having to make it over & over & over again. Do or do not.
I’m good enough to live my life, my possibly (probably?) ONE TRUE LIFE AS THIS EGO, exactly how I want, & you are too.